Forever My Father
by MyHeroRaven
Summary: My take on the man behind Kendall. The man that will always be less than his son. Kames. Child Abuse. Cursing.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.**

**A/N: Song: Forever my Father by Go Radio. I don't own the lyrics... but the other quotes in italics I do own. And I own the idea. Seriously listen to the song while reading this. It's an important message... about family... about Dad's. For those who having loving ones, and those that struggle with the monsters walking around in your father's skin.**

**A/N II Personal: Know this... you were my dad. But now the man that lives in this house... that lives in the room down the hall... is a stranger. I have no Father. **

**This was probably one of the hardest things I have ever written on this site. Seriously.**

**And yes... this is meant to be cruel irony. **

**My take on the man behind Kendall. The man that will always be less than his son. **

**Forever My Father:**

It wasn't the first time that Kendall was terrified for his life... and the sad part was that it was _normal_ for the boy now, 17 years old and he wasn't even shocked when his Father's fist came down hard, colliding his his cheek.

_You don't have to be so scared  
>You don't have to go tonight<br>I just need to hold on tight  
>One hell of a ride<em>

Kendall didn't want to be scared anymore... and it wasn't even the bruises that hurt the most. Even though they burned like wildfire across his pale skin. It was the venom, and the words his _Father_ spewed. Drenching the boy in a cold that hardenend his heart and made him sick. Seriously ill.

_Cause we lost it all just now  
>To the nights that left you out<br>So we'll let this go somehow  
>But you're gonna be proud (so proud)<em>

His life was over... everything he had ever worked for was gone... he didn't even care anymore. He would never amount to anything. Just a bum and a dead beat... that his Father would forever hate. Love doesn't live here anymore... at least that's what Kendall told himself when the urge to cry himself to sleep became too great.

_Little boy blue wouldn't shed a tear... not for anger not for fear._

The pain of knowing that his Dad didn't love him anymore stung... no it didn't sting... it desecrated. Completely _ruined_ him. It wasn't right... not like the Dad's on TV. Father's are supposed to love you... pick you up when you fall. But not Kendall's dad. He just knocked him down.

_Come on... get up! I raised you better than this!_

_And I just needed you to pick me up  
>Like you did when we were younger<br>When the lightning and the thunder  
>Had me clinging to your heart<em>

What was a boy supposed to do? Who would love him now? Who would even care? Was it time? Time to accept defeat. Accept that... no matter how bad it hurt... his Father had won.

_For someone  
>To lift me up<br>When I'm down and I'm forgotten  
>You'll forever be my father<em>

It was always so hard... to watch everyone else's perfect fucking lives. Perfect Fucking Fathers... When his life falling apart at his feet. The pieces swirling in the air, his hands flailing wildly to try and catch (salvage) what was left of his pathetic life... his pathetic little family. But he still wouldn't cry... wasn't worth it. (Yes it was! It was worth everything...)

_And I'll be saving tears in jars for this one_

His Dad always thought he was right... never listened... never cared. Kendall knew... he knew that this wasn't normal... for a Dad to be this way. For him to treat his son like this. To be so uncaring, so cruel.

It wasn't right.

_How can I fit all these words  
>Into such a simple verse<br>It's the last time that we'll speak  
>So listen to me please<em>

**Kendall's POV**

You used to sing me to sleep... you used to cradle me in your arms and tell me that you loved me. That you were so proud of your son, that I was enough. Just enough.

But I'm not... not anymore.

Your singing saved my life... inspired me to sing, whenever I could. And your hate inspired me to love. To love my friends. To protect them... so when I protected James that day... and used the gift of song you gave me... it saved me. Took me to a place far away from you. You threw me away... and now you want me back.

But you can't have me... I'm gone, got my friends, got my love back. I don't need you anymore Dad.

_I just needed you to pick me up_

_Like you did when we were younger_

_When the lightning and the thunder_

_Had me clinging to your heart_

So here I stand... thinking I'm free... thinking that I've finally made it... Are you proud now Dad? Do you see me for who I really am? No. And he never will... fucking stupid of me to think that things have changed.

_For someone _

_To lift me up_

_When I'm down and I'm forgotten_

_You'll forever be my father_

I wonder if he looks at me... and if he has any regrets. If he sees his son... the boy he once loved and flashes back. Feels _guilty_ that he let me slip through the crack.

_And I'll be saving tears in jars for this one_

And then there's James... beautiful, sweet, perfect, loving _James_. The boy that taught me to love and has replaced all the bad in my life. Sitting here with me... singing me too sleep as he holds me. Whispers with his song that it will be okay... and that he loves me. That he'll always love me.

_Did you know that you're my heart_

_And it hurts to be apart_

_And this cut it hurts so deep_

_So sing me to sleep_

But the monsters come back and here I am... huddled here on the floor, screams echoing in my mind, 21 in reality, but just that scared 12 year old little boy... I can hear it... the loud footsteps of my angry Father comeing up the stairs. Knowing it's false hope to wish that he's just coming to tuck me in at night and read my a bedtime story.

No... he has other things on his mind. And in that moment... I'm just a little boy, scared, wondering where my daddy has gone and who the stranger standing in the doorway is.

_But Daddy... I love you._

**MyHeroRaven**


End file.
